Tonight I threw a citronella tealight at one of the pigeons. I hit it and it didn't even fly away.

They are NOT AFRAID OF PEOPLE.

It's all happening.

It was kind of a rough weekend in Jocelyn-topia, as I discovered that the pigeons on my balcony--my nemeses for many months--had actually built a (pathetic, but present nonetheless) NEST on my balcony. They built it kind of behind a chair so I wouldn't see it, the sneaky little pigeon-bastards. And there were 2 dead baby pigeons in that nest. I scared the parents away and then very gingerly cleaned up the nest, although--and I doubt this will shock you, gentle reader--I then started to cry on my balcony. These little pigeons were really gross and sad and dead, and the fact that their parents were continuing to nest kind of on top of them seemed horribly morbid and--what's the word I'm looking for?--maudlin. These pigeons just keep messing with me. I want to move away.

[Previously, in the Pigeon Chronicles: disputed territory; hi pigeons]

I just got one of those dealies from my bank where every time I use my debit card, it rounds up to the nearest dollar and puts that in my savings account. I was going to say that I am going to become a millionaire this way... but actually, in order for that to happen, I would have to have more than a million dollars to start with. I can do the math. I'm going to become a hundredaire!

I've been very busy and lazy simultaneously. Things I have been neglecting in my lazy/busy haze: blogging, swimming, dishes (actually all cleaning activities, full stop). I'm trying to get back to all 3. (I have been diligent about swimming and cleaning for the past three days, and the blogging is happening, well, right now.) I stop paying attention for a few minutes, or weeks, and my life starts to get away from me.

Recently, in brief: liked Passchendaele; enjoying Season 1 of Bones and Season 2 of The Muppet Show; reading and liking--but feeling a bit confused by--Benjamin Nugent's American Nerd: The Story of My People; loved the Graveyard Book; and also, a variety of wedding-planning things, including The DIY Wedding and my new favourite website, Offbeat Bride. Yep. I'm planning a wedding, it's true--although I stubbornly refuse to become one of those crazy wedding-planning girls who won't shut up about their stupid wedding. Also planning: what I think will be an absurdly decadent trip to Las Vegas in December. There will be buffets. And hot tubs. And a drive through the desert, which I feel like I've been dreaming of my whole life, or at least since I began reading the books of Douglas Coupland.

I'll be back. For real this time.

"Oh, hi, pigeons. I'm definitely not going to shoot you with my water gun, so don't worry about that." -Me, muttering to myself as I made my way sneakily toward the balcony

Disputed territory

constantvigilance 007, originally uploaded by jocelynb.

Here I sit, keeping an eye on my territory, after recently taking away the pigeons' protective cover (aka the tarp that was covering my bicycle). I am armed with my newly acquired firearms. Well, waterarms really. Containing weapons-grade water... which is exactly the same as... regular water. And my communist insurgent hat, to put me in the mood for violence.

I call this photo "constant vigilance." I like to think of it as a journey into the psychotic heart of violence. In a cute yellow hoodie.

But then, the pigeons didn't show up and I got bored and decided to watch a Werner Herzog movie.

Pigeon update

There are two of the little bastards now, huddling under the tarp on my bike like dirty rats of the air. I don't trust those pigeons as far as I can throw them. And I live on the 9th floor, so that is pretty far.

Previous post: more fish fulfilment

More fish fulfilment

this video from Japan shows how a restaurant uses live goldfish to clean its deep-fryer. Uh-huh. That's all I got.

I am annotating like a mofo. And I have my laser printer set to 'stun.' Yep, it's that time of the semester, when I start begging people to come over to my house with pizza. In 48 hours all this madness will be over and then I will be back, a-swingin', ready to update 1,000,000 times a day. I have no job you know!

A joke I read on the internet today: "Hand over that calculator. Friends don't let friends derive drunk."

Oh, I am engaged in a bitter battle of wits with a pigeon that is trying to move into my balcony. There is only one now, but I know there will soon be more if I let him get away with any of his crazy pigeon bullshit. I have considered shooting the pigeon with a water gun (which would involve buying a water gun) and feeding it rice so it explodes. If these options sound cruel, consider that I have already begun throwing rocks at it, so it's not like cruelty is uncharacteristic. Can you eat pigeon? I am thinking if I succeeded in killing and eating this pigeon, the others would see that they are not welcome. The only way to beat a pigeon is to show it you are its master.

Ohhhhh, that pigeon never should have gotten up in my face. I am going to beat it down. Not only am I bigger and stronger; I have opposable thumbs, a dizzying intellect, and MOST IMPORTANTLY persistance. I didn't get to the top of the food chain to eat salad and listen to incessant cooing.