today my husband said something worthy of quotation

I think dog saliva is to mosquito bites what phoenix tears are to basilisk bites.
-James

i was kind of surprised he got that

Jocelyn: Hey, what's that Liam Neeson guy's name?
James: Qui-Gon Jinn?
Jocelyn: Yeah!

And then I laughed at my own hilarity for about ten minutes

James: So the Humanities Computing [the field in which James is doing his MA] students are putting on a conference. And guess what it's called.
Jocelyn: Um. Computing in the Humanities: A Wank Fest?

helpful marital support and true love (tm)

Jocelyn: can I order a giant silk tapestry of Karl Marx to hang up in our house?
James: Hmm... how much is it?

File under: surreal marital conversations

Jocelyn: I think something threw up by our garage.
James: Something? Or someone?
Jocelyn: Something. A cat. It looks like cat food.
James: Maybe it was someone.
Jocelyn: A person who ate some cat food, and then threw up because of the cat food.
James: I think it was you.
Jocelyn: So your theory is that, while you were asleep, I got up, ate a bunch of cat food, and then went and threw up outside by our garage?
James: Well, that makes sense.
Jocelyn: Where would I get cat food?
James: Sherwood Park Mall? You're the criminal mastermind here, not me.

And then I made him an honourary librarian

James, adding some forks to the charity box: "I'm weeding these forks."

Jocelyn: I moved your Q-Tips into the bathroom cupboard, just to protect them from the pee mist.
James: The pee mist?
Jocelyn: it's the mist that covers everything in the bathroom every time you flush the toilet. They did a study. Apparently if your toothbrush is less than 10 feet from the toilet, you're getting pee mist on it every time you flush.
James: They? Who they?
Jocelyn: The Pee Mist Research Association.
James: Oh, the PMRA. [Pause] Our toothbrushes are less than 10 feet from the toilet.

[Note: this was also the subject of an episode of Mythbusters. Status: TRUE and NOT MADE UP BY ME]

monday-morning email hilarity

jocelyn - 9:45 am:

today is gross.... everything smells like mr. noodles. i don't know why. i think it might be my hair.

james - 9:55 am:

let's run this through a problem-solving matrix:

did you wash your hair with mr. noodles?

if yes, it's probably your hair

if no, did you wash your face with mr. noodles?

if yes, it's probably your face

if no, did you put mr. noodles powder up your nose?

if yes, you're just smelling the mr. noodles powder that you put up your nose

if no, the smell is probably coming from the refineries.

I actually can't re-read it because it will make me snort coffee through my nose, and
I want the people around me to think I'm working.