Tuesday, August 18, 2009

File under: surreal marital conversations

Jocelyn: I think something threw up by our garage.
James: Something? Or someone?
Jocelyn: Something. A cat. It looks like cat food.
James: Maybe it was someone.
Jocelyn: A person who ate some cat food, and then threw up because of the cat food.
James: I think it was you.
Jocelyn: So your theory is that, while you were asleep, I got up, ate a bunch of cat food, and then went and threw up outside by our garage?
James: Well, that makes sense.
Jocelyn: Where would I get cat food?
James: Sherwood Park Mall? You're the criminal mastermind here, not me.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Friday, August 14, 2009

Or maybe just "I have a misogynistic shirt. Ask me how!"

Waiting for the bus this morning, along with me, was a scruffy dude smoking and wearing a hoodie that said--and I wish I was making this up--"Please tell your BOOBS to stop staring at my eyes." As we waited for the bus to appear I was considering slogans for companion shirts. My favourite: "Please tell your testicles to get out of the way of my knee." First runner-up: "Please tell your offensive shirt to stop providing such an enticing target for the knife on my keychain."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Crazy all the time!

http://lowercasel.blogspot.com/

I want to make a meta-blog where I find critical entries on other people's blogs and then find errors in them. This person is really annoyed by people who don't capitalize consistently, so much so that they've made a whole blog about it, but their fanatical attention does not seem to extend to it's vs. its. I guess we have to prioritize--if everything makes us crazy, then we're crazy all the time?

This seems to be a new trend in the blogipelago--blogs focused on making fun of other blogs, or facebook/craigslist entries, or flickr photos, or whatever. And yes, they're often very funny, but sometimes I wonder if anything we're doing is good for humanity.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

cobras! up in the trees!

sometimes when i'm asleep I elbow James in the face. Usually when I do this it wakes me up a little bit, so I'm cogent enough to think, I'm elbowing James in the face, but not cogent enough to stop myself from doing it. The last time this happened, a couple nights ago, we both woke up enough to have a little conversation about it. James explained that even though I'm trying to kill him, I will never succeed because he is a ninja. What follows is an actual, 3am list of puns I compiled in response:

Yeah, you practice...

  • Ju-sleep-su
  • Ka-rest-e
  • Night Kwon Do
Note: this list is not that funny. See explanation above.

And bonus points for "Unidentified blue fungi"

holy moley: Seattle man used Limewire for identity theft. What's sad about this article is that there is no hacking involved at all--this guy used limewire to copy files that people had IN THEIR SHARED FOLDERS. Keeping ur data safe on teh internets: ur doin it wrong.

I also enjoyed this one: Giant meat-eating plant found. Meat-eating plants are inherently cool, but this one is doubly cool because it is named for David Attenborough. In future versions of Planet Earth, he should get 40 seconds to show his plant eating, like, a ferret, and then lapse into OMG MY PLANT?!? freaking-out enthusiasm before he regains his normal air of erudite calm. David Attenborough: you have 40 seconds to be really, really excited. GO!

Monday, August 10, 2009

dispatches from the future

whenever i see one of those notes on the bottom of an email: "think green. please do not print this email unless it is absolutely necessary," or some variation thereof, my mind compiles this set of thoughts: 1. aww, that's nice, saving the environment. 2. people PRINT EMAILS?!?

hey internet. I'm pretty tired today, in spite of the nonfat white mocha that sits on the desk in front of me, so I'm going to pretend I'm a 15 year old kid on myspace and i'm not going to capitalize letters or use punctuation. i just don't feel like it. i was thinking of spelling some things wrong too but that will probably require more energy than spelling them right, such is the obsessive nature of my brain.

as much as i like my job i sometimes get depressed by the number of people around, especially online, who seem to know nothing about anything and furthermore have no ability to find out the things they don't know WHATSOEVER. how can we help these people? i mean, we can give them the specific information they want (sometimes) or refer them somewhere where they will be able to get it, or in most cases say, "sorry, no one knows that but you" ("should i ask out my cute friend? i'm not sure if he likes me") but at the end of the day, they will still be the type of person who types ludicrous and/or personal questions into a random internet form box in hopes that a stranger will tell them whether they are pregnant, or what type of car to buy, or how to house-break their puppy, or whatever. that is a problem no librarian can solve.

hypothesis: these people also go all the way around traffic circles in the outside lane, they smoke at bus stops, and they leave their dog in the front yard but not tied up, so it chases my dog when i take her for a walk.

but: then i let her poop in their yard and don't scoop, so who is winning?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

from something genuine and awesome to something co-opted and pathetic in record time

Why are we even having this conversation?

[This is related to something from before.]

Saturday, August 1, 2009

list of house malfunctions in the past 24 hours

  • hot water heater release valve leaking
  • blown circuit in kitchen due to running toaster and toaster oven at same time
  • washing machine leaking slowly from bottom as well as
  • overflowing the pipe into which it drains
and this is in addition to the car accident on tuesday, from which James's car will not recover. bad week!