These are the times that try men's souls

At the end of July, 2007, it was James's and my six-year anniversary and we had a BBQ, like the sick, self-congratulating couple we are. We brought a package of lentil and bean patties^* because we couldn't remember if any of our friends were vegetarians (they weren't). I kept the unopened box of frozen patties, put it in my freezer, because I know something about myself: I am LAZY. I tell you this as a friend. I knew that it would inevitably come to this: I would be so out of groceries, so bereft of food options, that those lentil patties would start to sound pretty good. I knew it was only a matter of time until Future Jocelyn started asking questions like: Well, how bad can they really be? Vegetarians eat them! I wasn't looking forward to the day when I would have to eat them, but I knew it was coming, as certainly as I know my own death is coming. And I knew better than to throw them away, because no matter how gross they were, I by definition would not eat them until there was nothing better around, so in that sense, they would actually be beneficial. Every time I opened my freezer, for four months, I glanced at that box and thought, no, not today.

Until today.

Today I had to eat one of the bean and lentil patties, Internet. I had to eat it with a Lipton's Sidekicks concoction called "Singapore Curry Noodles," but that's a story for another day (suffice it to say, I actually really like the freeze-dried vegetables. They're like little VITAMIN SPRINKLES!) I took it out of the box dubiously. It was shaped like a hamburger, with little coloured vegetable chunks in it. The box strongly recommended frying it, which bode well, I thought. How bad could something fried be? Especially something that claimed to contain Basmati rice? After I had fried it, it had a nice crispyness to it, and I put it on a plate with my camping noodles, and I took the plate into my living room, where I was watching Buffy and sewing.

It was not very good, Internet. I mean, I knew it wouldn't be, but I sort of held out an obscure hope I barely dared to admit to myself: maybe it would be so good I would buy MORE! Maybe I would discover a delicious vegetarian alternative to burgers! Maybe I would add something to the ever-shrinking list of foods I like to eat! No such luck. It was not ludicrously bad, but it was certainly not good. And not only that, but it represented my capitulation, the depth of my failure, and also, my own conviction that that capitulation was coming--a foregone conclusion. I fully believed, beforehand, that I would fail--KNEW that I would fail. And then I failed. How pathetic.

Universe 1, Jocelyn 0.

I'm going to a potluck party tonight, and I'm showing up late, and I'm not bringing anything, but I really hope there's some good food there.

* What is the difference between a lentil and a bean, anyway?