iPhone!

Can't talk. Procrastinating much more efficiently than usual.

saturday mornin' comin' down

My long weekend is off to a rocky start. I'm working today, which is a drag, and I missed the bus which made me very nearly late to work. I went home, roused my "husband" (husband! ha!), and forced him to put on pants and drive me to work. Then he went and got coffee and brought it to me. In exchange, I have to buy him something from Best Buy. This all seems very fair. Well, except for the part where I managed to marry the nicest man in the world while some other people have to ride the bus to work and do not have coffee.

I'm heading off to a conference at the end of October which has awakened in me a dormant desire for a laptop. All the other techie librarians have them, I whine to myself. The compromise position might just be a netbook-- I'm considering the Dell Inspiron Mini 10v, which has the advantage of coming in many pretty colours. I would get red, I think, since I'm kind of a tramp. The only reason I haven't already ordered one is that I JUST bought an iphone (IF it was actually ordered-- as per my ambiguous conversations with Rogers CSRs) and also ordered a bunch of new books from Amazon and a new wallet from Etsy and... Yeah. If anyone wonders why I am in debt, the answer *may* be contained in this blog post. Not to mention all the previous blog posts.

Finally: while on vacation I finished The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins. It was just amazing, a sharply written, clever, and suspenseful book, but as I got to the last 20 pages or so things were not wrapping up. I had a bad feeling about the ending, that it was going to be a Scooby-Doo style super-mega-happy ending, and then instead the dreaded words appeared at the end of the last paragraph: END OF BOOK ONE. So I was bracing myself for a long, whiny wait for the sequel. BUT! Catching Fire came out on September 1st, only a few days later, and on September 2nd, I found out about it, and later on September 2nd I ran to Chapters on my lunch break and bought it because I could not accept being #7 in the holds list. I'm about halfway through it now and it's just as strong as the first one. I really can't recommend this series highly enough. Although this time I skipped ahead to the end and, yep, it says END OF BOOK TWO. Don't say I didn't warn you. I'm on to you, Suzanne Collins. Stop causing me suspense.

Finally: I've noticed a rash of horror/thriller movies being released on Sept. 11. Internet, please tell me this is a co-incidence and not a way of channeling legitimate horror over a tragedy into marketing horror related to a movie? OK? Can you promise me that? No, I know you can't. Don't lie.

Walking from the staff room to my desk this morning, carrying a mug of coffee and a bottle of water and feeling like Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove. Shoulder coffee/devil: "Just drink some coffee, Jocelyn!" Shoulder water/angel: "But water is so good for you!"

Grasping at straws?

I'm having the most insanely productive week so far. It's weird because in every other area of my life I feel exhausted and burnt out and also physically sore, like from cleaning and moving and painting and carrying. But I get to work and I'm like, Yeah, I'll do everything on this to-do list, no big deal. I've been cleaning out my inbox and training people and answering questions and putting up displays and ordering books like a mofo.

Other life-trends: I am on a gadget streak. Aside from being obsessed with my new iPod touch (Viktor--this one is definitely a boy for some reason), I also got a Nintendo DS recently which is sparkly and pink. Mostly all I do is play Brain Age Sudoku on it, but that's only because Tetris hasn't gotten here yet. What with all this wireless/gaming connectivity, I never turn on my home computer anymore, which is weird. If they invented Desktop Tower Defence for either iPhone or DS it would ALL BE OVER. In fact, during my lunch break I might have to brave the weird dudes who work in the video game store in the mall just so I can check out what they've got for me. Sometimes when I'm taking a little break from installing cupboard doors I just sit down on the kitchen floor and check Twitter on my iPod which is MAGIC. I love almost nothing is unpacked in our new house but our wireless network is robust and operational. WHEN NERDS DATE NERDS!

I have only succeeded at teaching my Computer Club attendees one thing, but that one thing is valuable. We're thinking of having shirts made: Try right-clicking: Nothing bad will happen.

Gadgetry and wifi wizardry and other things that end in "-ry"

James bought a new iPhone, which means I get his cast-off iPod touch. Up to this point, I've been sort of scornful of my friends who have one of either of these types of devices, but that was just because I was jealous. Now that I have one of my own I have become a disciple in less than 24 hours. Are you aware that you can get OREGON TRAIL for the iPod touch? And Bejeweled? And apps for updating Facebook and Twitter? This brings me almost untold satisfaction, as long as I am in a WiFi zone. I just want to climb through my monitor and disappear into the Internet. You know, like that X-Files episode.

The Best Blog Entry.

In the mail yesterday I received the "2008 Holiday Preview" catalogue from Hammacher Schlemmer. We'll set aside the whole notion of holiday shopping in early September and save it for a later post. And get this out of the way right off the bat: Hammacher Schlemmer. Hammacher Schlemmer. Hammacher Schlemmer! HammacherSchlemmerHammacherSchlemmer! Heh. So funny to say.

If you are not familiar with Hammacher Schlemmer, let me explain. This is a company that sells gadgets. These gadgets range from the reasonably cheap and useful (rechargeable wireless speakers for $30) to the outrageous (the world's only "complete" Swiss army knife, weighing 2 1/2lbs and going for $1,400). What all these gadgets have in common is that they are ridiculous. They fill gaps of need so specific as to be absurd.

For example, take the foot mat activated night light. The premise of this, in case it is not clear, is that you put this mat beside your bed, and when you get out of bed in the dark, you step on the mat and the night light lights up to show you the way to the bathroom.

Now, where I come from, if you get out of bed in the dark you take your life in your hands--and we liked it that way. Night lights are for sissies, as far as I'm concerned. And yet! Perhaps this is just a perspective problem--someone so deeply mired in their own paradigm of failure that they cannot see the way to a brighter (in this case, literally) future. Perhaps I think I am seeing the world, when really I am seeing the play of shadows on the wall of my cave.

And almost every product in this catalogue is like this: they speak of the possibility of a problem solved, a life made slightly more efficient or less uncomfortable. There is a tiny part of me--the problem-solving part, the perfectionist part--that thinks, hmm. maybe this would really make things better. That's how they get you! That little voice! The noblest human instincts--those that make us try to improve the world around us, to solve problems not because they are destroying us but simply because they are problems, and they are there--are also humanity's greatest weakness, as far as Hammacher Schlemmer are concerned. Before you know it, there is no room to move around in your apartment because of the dvd/cd labelling machines, the wireless blood pressure monitors, and the toothbrush sanitizers. But your nose hairs will be the best-groomed they have ever been, I suppose.

What I admire about Hammacher Schlemmer as a company, though, is their commitment. They are not content to sell just any LP-to-CD recording system, or the first telescope walking stick they happened to find. They are committed--nay, honour-bound!--to provide their customers with the best such device available. And this brings me to my point. How do they find out which products are the best? They test them. With science.

At the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute.

I know this sounds like something I would make up, but it's so much sweeter because it's true. They are talking about the Institute all the time in their product descriptions. They test everything there! As I'm scanning this catalogue, this Institute grows accordingly ever-more impressive and comprehensive in my imagination. So, based on the Holiday Preview catalogue, a list of facilities in the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute:

• A wireless-telephone-testing range, with plenty of teenagers and Indian call centre employees staffing it
• A nursery full of toddlers, insomniacs, and those with guilty consciences, each sleeping under a Queen Sized Electric Blanket
• A giant machine that uses 1,000 AA batteries--just so they can be recharged using the Alkaline Battery Charger (It could have a tv or microwave or something built in to it, just to waste more power)
• A swimming pool, hopefully Olympic size, for testing swim goggles
• A Marble-Works-style construction of gutters of various sizes, all filled with rotting leaves and golf balls, in which the Gutter Cleaning Robots are pitted against each other
• A model 1950's style beauty parlour, including a panel of judges who will help determine which are really The Best Hair Rollers--and also some sassy women with beehives, just for atmosphere
• A wind tunnel in which Christmas trees, in a variety of stands, are subjected to climbing pets, gale-force winds, and uneven ornamentation to see which is the last standing
• A 200-foot-tall tree, suspended over a deep pool, constantly being assaulted by a race of super-intelligent squirrels--for finding out which bird-feeder is really the most squirrel-proof

And that's just for starters. I could literally go on FOREVER.

All I want for Christmas is to visit the Hammacher Schlemmer institute, and help test the World's Best Book-Cataloguing Machine, or the Only 100% Accurate Barcode Scanner, or the Potato-Peeling iPod Charger. So, Santa, if you're reading this: Hammacher Schlemmer. Hammacher Schlemmer. Hammacher Schlemmer!

When James Bond's Gadgets Backfire

1. Exploding pen (GoldenEye) blows up the cheque being written. And the bank it's being written in.

2. Oddjob's razor-edged bowler hat (Goldfinger) slices into shoulder of expensive suit, which cannot be repaired.

3. Miniature flare gun (Thunderball) goes off in pocket, causes chafing.

4. Mini-Sub (Diamonds are Forever) has too-limited range, does not allow infiltration of enemy lair. Also a real gas-hog.

5. Rolex Submariner containing powerful electromagnet (Live and Let Die) accidentally erases hard disc data and portable USB drive in pocket. However, it is very handy for shoplifting.

6. Plastic explosive toothpaste (License to Kill) fails to prevent tartar buildup.

Paternoster elevators

From Wikipedia, an article on Paternoster elevators. These elevators are a series of cabins (not just one) that move perpetually on a circuit. They are still in use in some parts of Europe, but they're disappearing because they're apparently dangerous. Pfft.

This video [YouTube] shows these amusing inventions in use, to the tune of a catchy Ventures song. Here is another one. I basically want to go on a Paternoster tour. Or install one in my house. (There are actually tons of videos of these on YouTube. Why haven't I heard of them before? Stupid Canada.)

I think what appeals to me about these is that they don't follow the common modern pattern of trying to idiot-proof everything. You have to stay on your toes to ride one of these babies, and if you screw up, you could DIE. (Well, maybe not.) It also seems like, in addition to their other benefits, these elevators would be good for when you are being chased by bad guys, because they can't see which floor you get off on.

Small assertions of power

My toilet has been broken for weeks. Last month, it ran all day while I was at work, flooding my bathroom floor, and water leaked into my downstairs neighbour's apartment. For the past two weeks, its flushing function has been accomplished with the removal of a wire coat hanger apparatus in the tank. Well, I decided I had had enough. I may be a depressed, unemployed loser, but today I fixed my goddamn toilet. Not only that: I fixed it with an application of brute strength. I took it apart with my tools, I figured out how it worked, I BENT IT INTO THE SHAPE I WANTED IT TO BE, and then I put it back together.

I wish I could say I had accomplished all of this wearing stilettos, but the honest truth is, I was wearing sweatpants, and I actually pulled said sweatpants out of the dirty laundry to begin the task. Nonetheless, I feel pretty good about myself at this moment.

Let this be a lesson to the rest of my sub-standard appliances. You can't beat me, so freakin' fall in line.

(By consulting the archives, I can actually determine that a year ago, in September, 2006, my toilet was already causing me problems. So you see, this constitutes a major victory. Girl vs. the Evironment. Also consider my battle with my kitchen sink.)

Razr and iPod: A Love Story

To answer the unspoken question: yes, I do find myself endlessly amusing. Please notice the soft lighting.