See, I have done your work for you.

5 academic papers someone should write about the Muppets

"Animal" instincts: the politics of implied rape
The disapproving patriot: Sam Eagle as patriarch
Meta/text Puppet/eer: Cinema, body and narrative through the postmodern lens
Diva or chicken: the Muppets and the troubled state of female agency
"Working's for another day": Fraggle Rock in the shadows of the American Dream

Probably-not-meant-to-be-funny song lyrics I cannot not laugh at

1. the Sean Kingston song that contains the line, "shorty fire burning on the dance floor." (And they say it so many times!) SAFETY!

2. "Her heart's been gone awhile, with the truck-driving man that took it." I never get tired of this Everlast song. Because it is liquid awesome.

3. It's in his kiss: "In his warm embrace? Oh no, that's just his arm." LOL.

4. "She's going to join the roster." They had to say this because it rhymes with "great imposter." It always cracks me up because I imagine some kind of clipboard, with the names of heartbroken women on it.

5. Whatever You Like: It's hard to figure out exactly what he's saying, but it's something like, "your brain's so good could'a swore you went to college." (Actually, I love the Anya Marina cover of this song, like, for real--but it belongs on another list, "Hip Hop songs that sound INSANE and psychotic and hateful of women when sung acoustically," along with the Ben Folds Five version of Bitches Ain't Shit and the Jenny Owens Young version of Hot In Herre.)

6. Honey. The whole song. This is kind of a different case because what I find about the song is how inadvertently patronizing and sort of borderline abusive it is. Like, "She came running in, all excited, slipped and almost hurt herself; and I laughed till I cried..." Hey narrator, are you supposed to come out of this looking like a good guy?

7. Fergie, Fergilicious: "My body stay vicious/I be up in the gym just working on my fitness."

8. Fancy. All of it. Are country songs fair game? The video is actually even better than the song by itself, because it takes the song SO LITERALLY.

9. the part of "Can't Hold Us Down" that goes, "you need to let him know that his game is whack/And Lil Kim and Christina Aguilera got your back." I tell James this all the time, but for some reason I get the feeling he isn't taking me seriously. (The video is good too. Christina's short-shorts scream empowerment! If only more gender inequality issues could be solved with a nice, wholesome dance-off in the hood.)

Honourable mention: Bell XI, in Rocky Took a Lover: "If there was a God, then why is my arse/The perfect height for kicking?" (Only honourary because I think this is actually meant to be kind of funny. However they are my new favourite band so I had to work them in somehow)

I know it seems like I'm making fun of oldies, but you have to understand, I mock only what I love. Someday I'm going to become a DJ on an AM oldies station, and people are going to call me and hum the song they can't figure out. I will be the Classic Rock Reference Librarian.

cobras! up in the trees!

sometimes when i'm asleep I elbow James in the face. Usually when I do this it wakes me up a little bit, so I'm cogent enough to think, I'm elbowing James in the face, but not cogent enough to stop myself from doing it. The last time this happened, a couple nights ago, we both woke up enough to have a little conversation about it. James explained that even though I'm trying to kill him, I will never succeed because he is a ninja. What follows is an actual, 3am list of puns I compiled in response:

Yeah, you practice...

• Ju-sleep-su
• Ka-rest-e
• Night Kwon Do

Note: this list is not that funny. See explanation above.

list of house malfunctions in the past 24 hours

• hot water heater release valve leaking
• blown circuit in kitchen due to running toaster and toaster oven at same time
  
• washing machine leaking slowly from bottom as well as
  
• overflowing the pipe into which it drains
  

and this is in addition to the car accident on tuesday, from which James's car will not recover. bad week!

wedding recap, pt I of IVXIVXZSJK

HI INTERNET!
It has been soooo long. Sorry.

I got married on Saturday! It was kind of fun. We had the ceremony on a beach volleyball court and I held a bouquet made of buttons. Our friend Colin nailed the "Mawwage!" speech from The Princess Bride. Our friends took photos with foam swords and mustaches. So far being married is a lot like being not-married, except for the following:

1. in the mornings James and I greet each other like CBC announcers. The first person has to say "Good morning, X!" and the other person says, "Good morning Y!" as if we have been apart for weeks and are thrilled to see each other.

2. Also our house is full of wedding presents and dirty dishes. I didn't anticipate how guilty I would feel about the presents issue. I tried to make the present obligation related to this wedding as minimal as possible, but people still gave us piles of cash and gift cards and thoughtful gifts. Since, as I mentioned above, being married is a lot like being not-married, and also since James and I both make a pretty good living and have no drug dependencies, it doesn't seem fair that our friends and families are spending all this money on us. Although I guess there WAS an open bar.

3. Our dog is not illegitimate and the other dogs don't make fun of her anymore.

4. Our fridges* are both full of leftover cake, the the point where we will not really want to eat any more of it is rapidly approaching.

*We have two fridges. They are not his-and-hers fridges or anything, there are just two of them. I'm aware of the energy wastefulness this represents and I feel guilty about it.

Things my dog reminds me ofBy Jocelyn

A mobster
Zuul from Ghostbusters
A gargoyle (like this one for example)
Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars (and also a little bit Yoda)
an iPhone (in fact I recently changed her name to "Emma iPhone Ackbar")

Edited July 15 to add: Kim Jong Il. I forgot about this one. Check it out: 1 2 I think it's the big, domey head.

The dog from Men in Black (note: this dog is just a pug, and my dog is part pug, so really this is not that exciting a comparison)

As you might have noticed I am in a total blogging rut.
So, here are a few issues I am having.

1. I am so so so so flighty these days. I cannot concentrate on anything. The only two things I want to do are (a) work on my garden (b) make my sims work on their garden. I'm serious. I'm obsessed and I have no idea why. I AM GOING TO RUN OUT OF PLACES TO PLANT PLANTS. The only other thing I like to do is watch my dog do funny things, but even that gets tiresome after awhile.

Sub-list: things I cannot concentrate on

• blogging
• wedding planning, or all the craft projects I planned to do for the wedding that I have not yet started (and it is in less than 3 weeks)
  
• work
• unpacking (yes, I am not done unpacking)
  
• all the library books i keep checking out and never reading
• not spending money (in case this is unclear: I keep buying things simply out of boredom)

Yes, I am playing The Sims 3. I bought it about a week after it came out and I have been finding a few hours here and there to play it. Last week I was in a meeting where we were discussing games (PC/console) with a narrative component, and I said that the Sims or Sim City should be on the list.

Woman in meeting: Ugh, The Sims. What a horrid little game.
Jocelyn: I will fight you. I just met you, but I will fight you.

Yep, I actually said that. It was kind of funny.

Anyway, it's not like The Sims 3 is revolutionary--it's similar to the Sims 2 but with a few improvements. The main reason I wanted to buy it is that they keep improving the architectural engine and the stuff you can get for the game, and in the new version everything is way more customizable. I basically just want to build things for my Sims. And, apparently, make them garden. I will build my Sims very beautiful houses!

2. I CANNOT STOP DRINKING THIS COFFEE EVEN THOUGH IT IS NOT THAT GREAT

Things I have recently decided to start collecting

1. Playmobil
2. Paintings of orange chairs

The books!

It's been almost three years since I started keeping track of my reading over at Lists of Bests. In March of 2006 I was a grad student who had spent the past 5 years reading nothing but things for school, and I decided I needed to become a reader again, for fun--that if I didn't find a way to fit books into my life again, I would always regret it. I've read 185 books since then--about 1.2 books a week (many of them short children's/young adult books, although I haven't counted picture books, only novels). Because I like making lists of things, I've decided to compile a list of my top ten favourites in each of three categories: fiction, non-fiction, and YA/children's. In some cases I've counted multiple books as one, mainly as a way of cheating.

Fiction
I don't read that much grown-up fiction, it would seem, as the pickings were a bit slim in this category. The #1 book, What is the What, is actually almost-nonfiction, but most libraries and bookstores put it in fiction so I've done the same. All of these were great. Everything is Illuminated blew me away. Neverwhere was incredible also--the kind of book that was so fun to read, I almost felt guilty carrying it around, like it was porn. And No One Belongs Here More Than You, like everything Miranda July produces, straddles the line between disclosure and discomfort perfectly. It's awkward and sweet and sad.

10. PopCo by Scarlett Thomas
9. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (this was a re-read)
8. At the Villa of Reduced Circumstances, The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs, and Portuguese Irregular Verbs all by Alexander McCall Smith
7. Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted by Elizabeth Berg (Stories)
6. Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield
5. Pretending the Bed is a Raft by Nanci Kincaid (Stories)
4. Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
3. Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
2. No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July (Stories)
1. What is the What by Dave Eggers

Non-Fiction
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle changed my life. I'm not exaggerating. It made me think about food in a whole new way. Amy Krouse Rosenthal's Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life was like this too, although in a different way--it's a book about completely mundane topics that manages to be completely engrossing and relatable. I just finished Chuck Klosterman's book of essays recently (having gotten it for Christmas from James!) and I couldn't believe how provocative and funny it is. I agree with almost nothing the man says, but that hardly matters, does it?

10. Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay by Nancy Milford (Biography)
9. George and Sam: Two Boys, One Family, and Autism by Charlotte Moore
8. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto by Chuck Klosterman (Essays)
7. Love is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song At a Time by Rob Sheffield (Memoir)
6. One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead
5. With Borges & The Library at Night, both by Alberto Manguel (With Borges is a memoir)
4. World Without Us by Alan Weisman
3. Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life by Amy Krouse Rosenthal
2. City of Falling Angels by John Berendt
1. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver

YA/Children's
This was the hardest list to compile because I read sooooo many great books over the past few years. I had to collapse Harry Potter into one, even though I read the last three during this time, but numbers 6 and 7 blew my mind. I was amazed by how Joanne Rowling grew into a very sophisticated writer over the course of the series. The Bears' Famous Invasion is a really funny, charming, weird little book translated from Italian, and I really suggest checking it out if you can find a copy anywhere. I've been on a John Green kick lately and of the three of his I've read Paper Towns is my favourite-- it's about suburbia, and identity, and what it means to be in love with someone without really knowing them.

Among the top three I had a lot of trouble choosing because I love all of them almost equally. Neil Gaiman is one of my favourite writers and both The Graveyard Book and Coraline are incredible--although if I had to choose, of the two I prefer Coraline. Lamplighter is the second in a planned trilogy, and although I found the first book intriguing but ultimately kind of unfulfilling, I carried the second one around with me like it was my religion until I finished it, which took all of about two days. And finally, Mysterious Edge of the Heroic World is by one of my all-time favourite writers, someone I have loved since I was a child, and it's an incredibly sophisticated and good-hearted children's story about Nazis and the meaning of art. If that sounds to you like a tall order for a kids' book, then that's all the more reason why you should read it, you fool!

10. Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
9. Bears' Famous Invasion of Sicily by Dino Buzzati
8. Skellig by David Almond
7. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan
6. Several Lives of Orphan Jack by Sarah Ellis
5. Harry Potter (5, 6, 7) by J. K. Rowling
4. Paper Towns by John Green
3. Graveyard Book & Coraline both by Neil Gaiman
2. Lamplighter by D. M. Cornish
1. Mysterious Edge of the Heroic World by E. L. Konigsburg

Ta da! I'll get back to you in 2012 with over 350 books under my belt, hopefully. (Although by then the Internet won't exist anymore, except as a set of signals we beam directly into our brains, and books will kind of still exist, except we'll call them "hovercars.")

Q: Is it leather? A: No, it is PVC

Last night we went to see Watchmen. Let me tell you some things about this movie, Internet. Not having read the graphic novel, and therefore basing my analysis purely on the movie itself:

• It is very long. TOO LONG.
• It had a lot of ads at the beginning because my friends wanted to go to a dumb, busy, capitalist theatre. (instead of the one I usually go to downtown where there are never lines and also no visible signs that they ever make any money)
• There is a guy in it who looks exactly like Robert Downey Jr. BUT WHO IS NOT ROBERT DOWNEY JR!
• I may be stating the obvious here, but I was pretty disappointed in the calibre of superhero outfits. Just once I would like to see a female superhero with a viable outfit for actual crime-fighting. Because you know that woman has problems with (a) chafing, and probably increased numbers of yeast infections; (b) getting killed by supervillains because she HAS NO PERIPHERAL VISION.
  
• 10% of it made me feel physically sick, or it would have if I did not have my hood pulled up over my face. The other 90% made me feel bored.
• It reminded me of the recent Keanu Reeves remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY. Like Philosophy Lite ^TM.
  

I have seriously had about enough of these comic book/graphic novel movie adaptations. I do not like any of them. I should just accept that they are not for me, and stop paying money to see them, instead of watching them and getting upset. But I don't. It's like I have no long-term memory.

The Best Blog Entry.

In the mail yesterday I received the "2008 Holiday Preview" catalogue from Hammacher Schlemmer. We'll set aside the whole notion of holiday shopping in early September and save it for a later post. And get this out of the way right off the bat: Hammacher Schlemmer. Hammacher Schlemmer. Hammacher Schlemmer! HammacherSchlemmerHammacherSchlemmer! Heh. So funny to say.

If you are not familiar with Hammacher Schlemmer, let me explain. This is a company that sells gadgets. These gadgets range from the reasonably cheap and useful (rechargeable wireless speakers for $30) to the outrageous (the world's only "complete" Swiss army knife, weighing 2 1/2lbs and going for $1,400). What all these gadgets have in common is that they are ridiculous. They fill gaps of need so specific as to be absurd.

For example, take the foot mat activated night light. The premise of this, in case it is not clear, is that you put this mat beside your bed, and when you get out of bed in the dark, you step on the mat and the night light lights up to show you the way to the bathroom.

Now, where I come from, if you get out of bed in the dark you take your life in your hands--and we liked it that way. Night lights are for sissies, as far as I'm concerned. And yet! Perhaps this is just a perspective problem--someone so deeply mired in their own paradigm of failure that they cannot see the way to a brighter (in this case, literally) future. Perhaps I think I am seeing the world, when really I am seeing the play of shadows on the wall of my cave.

And almost every product in this catalogue is like this: they speak of the possibility of a problem solved, a life made slightly more efficient or less uncomfortable. There is a tiny part of me--the problem-solving part, the perfectionist part--that thinks, hmm. maybe this would really make things better. That's how they get you! That little voice! The noblest human instincts--those that make us try to improve the world around us, to solve problems not because they are destroying us but simply because they are problems, and they are there--are also humanity's greatest weakness, as far as Hammacher Schlemmer are concerned. Before you know it, there is no room to move around in your apartment because of the dvd/cd labelling machines, the wireless blood pressure monitors, and the toothbrush sanitizers. But your nose hairs will be the best-groomed they have ever been, I suppose.

What I admire about Hammacher Schlemmer as a company, though, is their commitment. They are not content to sell just any LP-to-CD recording system, or the first telescope walking stick they happened to find. They are committed--nay, honour-bound!--to provide their customers with the best such device available. And this brings me to my point. How do they find out which products are the best? They test them. With science.

At the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute.

I know this sounds like something I would make up, but it's so much sweeter because it's true. They are talking about the Institute all the time in their product descriptions. They test everything there! As I'm scanning this catalogue, this Institute grows accordingly ever-more impressive and comprehensive in my imagination. So, based on the Holiday Preview catalogue, a list of facilities in the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute:

• A wireless-telephone-testing range, with plenty of teenagers and Indian call centre employees staffing it
• A nursery full of toddlers, insomniacs, and those with guilty consciences, each sleeping under a Queen Sized Electric Blanket
• A giant machine that uses 1,000 AA batteries--just so they can be recharged using the Alkaline Battery Charger (It could have a tv or microwave or something built in to it, just to waste more power)
• A swimming pool, hopefully Olympic size, for testing swim goggles
• A Marble-Works-style construction of gutters of various sizes, all filled with rotting leaves and golf balls, in which the Gutter Cleaning Robots are pitted against each other
• A model 1950's style beauty parlour, including a panel of judges who will help determine which are really The Best Hair Rollers--and also some sassy women with beehives, just for atmosphere
• A wind tunnel in which Christmas trees, in a variety of stands, are subjected to climbing pets, gale-force winds, and uneven ornamentation to see which is the last standing
• A 200-foot-tall tree, suspended over a deep pool, constantly being assaulted by a race of super-intelligent squirrels--for finding out which bird-feeder is really the most squirrel-proof

And that's just for starters. I could literally go on FOREVER.

All I want for Christmas is to visit the Hammacher Schlemmer institute, and help test the World's Best Book-Cataloguing Machine, or the Only 100% Accurate Barcode Scanner, or the Potato-Peeling iPod Charger. So, Santa, if you're reading this: Hammacher Schlemmer. Hammacher Schlemmer. Hammacher Schlemmer!

When James Bond's Gadgets Backfire

1. Exploding pen (GoldenEye) blows up the cheque being written. And the bank it's being written in.

2. Oddjob's razor-edged bowler hat (Goldfinger) slices into shoulder of expensive suit, which cannot be repaired.

3. Miniature flare gun (Thunderball) goes off in pocket, causes chafing.

4. Mini-Sub (Diamonds are Forever) has too-limited range, does not allow infiltration of enemy lair. Also a real gas-hog.

5. Rolex Submariner containing powerful electromagnet (Live and Let Die) accidentally erases hard disc data and portable USB drive in pocket. However, it is very handy for shoplifting.

6. Plastic explosive toothpaste (License to Kill) fails to prevent tartar buildup.

I'll try to bring it to the attention of the collections department

There has been much encouraging work-related news of late, and I keep false-starting blog entries about said news, but nothing ever materializes. (I say that as if it has nothing to do with me, when in fact the opposite is true.) Plus, this keyboard at the children's library is weird and foreign, somehow. So let the following list suffice:

Things we DO have books about, I discovered today:
Disneyland
Chinese dragons
NBA basketball
Elephants

Things we don't have books about, probably:
How you should spend the rest of your life

signs of a bad week to come, part infinity

i. headache and nausea on Monday morning. Like a hangover without the booze beforehand. also, i am finding it very cold in my cubicle.
ii. requests to use needlessly complicated internal document management system in absence of supervisor fill me with dread.
iii. someone just offered me coffee and i didn't want any. actually the thought of anything except water entering my digestive system fills me with a feeling of dread--see point i, above.
iv. will be technically unemployed in two weeks.

Things my office smells like today, according to varying reports from co-workers

1. Pancakes
2. "Airplane"

More links, I'm boring

I also heart Amelie Gillette, who writes for the Onion AV Club. So much sass! She offers up her suggestion for Esquire's 10 Things You Don't Know About Women feature.

I like all of them but especially #8: "The sexiest thing a man can do is be Patrick Dempsey. Seriously. He's, like, our favorite!"

Whoa, did you guys know that Danica McKellar, who played Winnie on The Wonder Years, grew up to become a mathematician, and helped to prove a theorem in mathematical physics? She's on the nominee list for Wired's sexiest geek contest this year along with actress Felicia Day. Oh, and Joss Whedon. I can't vote because I'm too torn up by my divergent loyalties.

I love The Wonder Years.
*off to check if there are Wonder Years DVDs on Amazon*

Christmas 2007: USB EVERYTHING

Out of all the Christmas gift guides I've seen this year, this one has the most genuinely cool things I would actually want to give to people I like: core 77's 77 Design gifts Under $77. (Don't worry, many of them are well under $77, including some that are $5!) I particularly like this alphabet poster, this viking ship mobile and these USB rechargable batteries. Merry consumption.

I'm still sick. I'm still at work. Everything sucks. Continue.

Things My Dad Is not Very Interested In, In Spite of The Fact That Every Christmas Gift Guide Aimed At Dads Seems To Think He Should Be

1. Cars
2. Baseball
3. Beer
4. Aviation
5. Barbequing
6. Hunting
7. Ties/Cosby sweaters

I can't make a list of the things he IS interested in, because he reads my blog, and he will then know what direction my gift-buying is going. [I'll give you a hint, though: he likes 19th-century philosophers, club soda with lime, small desktop cannons that shoot elastics, chocolate-covered peanuts, looking up word origins, and appropriate reference books for looking up word origins. And actually, I think he probably is at least mildly interested in aviation. Hi, dad! I love you!]

Sarcasm, the lowest form of wit.

Since you, Internet, do not spend time every day reading education-related news as part of your job, I can't imagine you've heard about this: An Alberta MLA introduces a private members' bill stating that in high school social studies, Canadian history should constitute 75% of the curriculum.

Um
?!?

I'm interested in encouraging patriotism as much as the next person, and like a lot of other Canadians I marvel at the way Americans can recite facts about their country. But 75%?!? This is going to mean cutting other material out of the curriculum, of course. So here, based on my sketchy rememberings of what I learned in high school social, is a list of topics we could probably eliminate...

1. World War II. World War I is more significant from a Canadian perspective because it led to negotiations about Canadian sovereignty. II may have some historical significance, but with our new Canadian focus, we don't need it.
2. The League of Nations. I think we should keep the UN, because Canada's role as a peacekeeping nation is an important part of our national identity. But the League doesn't matter to us at all. Ditto with Woodrow Wilson and his fourteen points, spheres of influence, manifest destiny, and fledgling European nations' journeys to independence. Gone.
3. Communism, socialism, and Marxism; the Russian Revolution. In fact, since this is Alberta, let's eliminate any teaching about any political ideology to the left of, uh, the provincial Conservatives.
4. The Cold War. Actually, we should probably do a little unit on the Cold War now that I think about it, because of NORAD and Lester Pearson. He won the Nobel Prize, right? A Canadian! We can spend a day on that.

Ta da! Pedagogically sound, right? I should write this in letter form to the MLA who suggested it, except before I would be allowed to do that, I would have to answer a quiz. The more members of the Famous Five I can name, the more minutes of his time I get. Ready? Here we go! IRENE PARLBY! Ha, didn't think she'd be first, did you? Well, there's more where that came from!