Oh, and you have to work for completely free (although you can eat unlimited bbq'ed smokies on the day)

I realized the other day that I really need a doula for my wedding. I know this already exists, and it's called a wedding planner, but planner just sounds so utilitarian. Like, a planner might plan; I need more than that. I need someone to nurture me and my wedding, to take care of us and encourage us and remind us that it is all going to be fine, and that we have to do things our way, and not let others make us feel guilty. I'm a little anxious about my wedding, so I need someone who will be kind and gentle; and also, like a first-time mother, I know nothing, so I need someone patient and knowledgeable.

Unlike a first-time mother (hopefully) I am also very apathetic, disinterested, and annoyed, so this person would also have to be a bit stern and bossy. Or ideally, they would just plan the event without even any real input from me or my man friend, and then we would just show up and get hitched.

Let me know if this is you.