Because I don't care if you find me obnoxious

Here are all the things I made for my wedding.

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wedding recap, pt I of IVXIVXZSJK

HI INTERNET!
It has been soooo long. Sorry.

I got married on Saturday! It was kind of fun. We had the ceremony on a beach volleyball court and I held a bouquet made of buttons. Our friend Colin nailed the "Mawwage!" speech from The Princess Bride. Our friends took photos with foam swords and mustaches. So far being married is a lot like being not-married, except for the following:

1. in the mornings James and I greet each other like CBC announcers. The first person has to say "Good morning, X!" and the other person says, "Good morning Y!" as if we have been apart for weeks and are thrilled to see each other.

2. Also our house is full of wedding presents and dirty dishes. I didn't anticipate how guilty I would feel about the presents issue. I tried to make the present obligation related to this wedding as minimal as possible, but people still gave us piles of cash and gift cards and thoughtful gifts. Since, as I mentioned above, being married is a lot like being not-married, and also since James and I both make a pretty good living and have no drug dependencies, it doesn't seem fair that our friends and families are spending all this money on us. Although I guess there WAS an open bar.

3. Our dog is not illegitimate and the other dogs don't make fun of her anymore.

4. Our fridges* are both full of leftover cake, the the point where we will not really want to eat any more of it is rapidly approaching.

*We have two fridges. They are not his-and-hers fridges or anything, there are just two of them. I'm aware of the energy wastefulness this represents and I feel guilty about it.

Getting married on Saturday

And it's making me grumpy. Albeit sort of comically grumpy. And with hair like a superhero.

It occurred to me yesterday that so far in my unpacking, I have yet to come across my wedding dress. Hmmmm. Oh well!

Oh, and you have to work for completely free (although you can eat unlimited bbq'ed smokies on the day)

I realized the other day that I really need a doula for my wedding. I know this already exists, and it's called a wedding planner, but planner just sounds so utilitarian. Like, a planner might plan; I need more than that. I need someone to nurture me and my wedding, to take care of us and encourage us and remind us that it is all going to be fine, and that we have to do things our way, and not let others make us feel guilty. I'm a little anxious about my wedding, so I need someone who will be kind and gentle; and also, like a first-time mother, I know nothing, so I need someone patient and knowledgeable.

Unlike a first-time mother (hopefully) I am also very apathetic, disinterested, and annoyed, so this person would also have to be a bit stern and bossy. Or ideally, they would just plan the event without even any real input from me or my man friend, and then we would just show up and get hitched.

Let me know if this is you.

My twitter status says: i hate the part of myself that is good at writing shiny, meaningless proposals. I meant this a little cheekily, but it's true. The document open on my screen contains all these words like "flexible spaces for community use," and "resources and support," and all these other phrases that don't really mean anything. I like words that have an impact. The kinds of words that appear in proposals have been stripped, through monotony, of all their power.

Also: I hadn't planned to wear a veil at my wedding (which is in only 6 1/2 weeks!) but today was a party at work for me and two of the women I work with who are also getting married in the next two months. So as I type this I am wearing a silver tiara from the dollar store (with orange jewels, added by a thoughtful co-worker who knows how much I love the colour) and a pink tulle veil attached. It's surprisingly fun to wear! So now I am torn between my feeling that it might be fun to make a little black birdcage veil with sequins or feathers or something on it, and my belief that my wedding should not include any elements that make me appear to be a giant, weirdly-wrapped present that is James's reward for being such a swell dude. TORN!

Daily thing: Invitations again

Daily thing: invitations again. I did another set of stamps and put in grommets. The front half is done now. There's a second page with a map and RSVP information which I will print tomorrow at work, and then the two pages will be tied together with string.

I blacked out the location because there's going to be an open bar, and I don't want the whole Internet crashing :) UNLESS YOU BRING A PRESENT.

I hope my heart goes first

Hey, Internet. I know you've been thinking to yourself, boy, I sure wish Jocelyn would discuss all the wedding-related books she's been reading. I miss her insights. Well, you're in luck! Having done a survey of books available to the cheap, cynical, public-library-using bride, I feel ready to recommend some things.

But first: you should know that lots of things are off-limit for me. Especially: 1. Wedding magazines. Anything with a headline that says "Item x in every price range!" (WITH an exclamation mark) where "every price range" means "for more money than you inevitably want to spend" is out. 2. Conventional, actual wedding books, which seem to have titles like The Crafty Bride: Spray-Paint it Silver! or So You Finally Tricked Him Into Proposing: At Last Your Life Can Begin!. Neither of these is helpful to me. Here is what IS helpful to me:

Two books about weddings

One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding
by Rebecca Mead

Even if you have no interest in weddings, you should read this. In fact, if you have no interest in weddings you should especially read this, because it's all about how contemporary North American weddings have been emptied of their social and religious significance and marketers have tried to step in to fill that void with sparkly heart-shaped crap. It will give you ammunition. Of the wedding books I have read this is by far my favourite, and each section made me more convinced that I want to divest myself of as many wedding "traditions" as possible. (Except walking down the aisle to The Cure, obviously. That's staying.)

Funny story: there's this poem usually called the Apache Wedding Prayer, sometimes called the Navajo Wedding Prayer, that seems to pop up on wedding websites and in actual weddings so much that I was good-naturedly complaining about it to James the other day. And then this book taught me the true history of that little bit of nonsense, and it's so deliciously ironic that I can't even bring myself to re-type it here. I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with ullshit.

I Do But I Don't: Walking Down the Aisle Without Losing Your Mind
by Kamy Wicoff

This book is more of a memoir (as compared to Mead's more journalistic book), about the conflicts that a contemporary, self-identifying feminist goes through as she is proposed to and plans a wedding. I lost count of how many times I found myself nodding emphatically as I read, and being like, Yeah! That's crazy!. Bride-to-be solidarity. It's funny and smart and honest and kind of bittersweet.

The only beef I had with this book is that its subtitle is a little misleading, because the book actually has nothing to do with instructing other people on how to walk down the aisle without losing their minds. This might seem petty, but I'm like a professional bookologist, so these things bother me. If you need to have something after the colon, it should at least make sense.

Two books about planning weddings:

Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides
by Ariel Meadow Stallings

This is my favourite of the wedding-planning books (more how-to than actually about weddings). So much so that its companion website, offbeat bride.com, has made it onto my bookmarks toolbar--which can only happen after a fierce competition, a sort of favicon Thunderdome. There are people on this website having Star Wars weddings and steampunk weddings and flip-flop weddings and all kinds of other-things-that-nerds-like weddings, and that's comforting.

I also like it when the author of a book about weddings isn't afraid to start a sentence with "If you're having..." as in, "If you're having flowers/a bridal party/a DJ/a garter toss" because I'm not having any of those things so I get to skip sentences. Yesssss. It's also nice when the author of a book about weddings doesn't seem to operate on the assumption that all her readers are planning to spend $25,000 on their weddings. $50 FTW!

The DIY Wedding: Celebrate Your Day Your Way
by Kelly Bare

I didn't mind this book, except I think it didn't really serve its purpose because I always knew that my wedding would be mostly DIY-ed. The tone of this book is sort of comforting and encouraging-- you CAN do stuff yourself! You can live without vendors!-- which is sweet and everything, but in my case, utterly unnecessary. I'm the choir, and I was being preached to. I was hoping for more practical ideas, like about making the paper for my invitations in my kitchen sink out of recycled grocery flyers, or sewing weird hats for all my guests, or interpretive-dancing my vows, and this book does not provide those things. Apparently, I need to write the book that provides those things. It could be called The Interpretive-Danced-Vow Bride: Spray Paint Your Unitard Silver! And Your Face!

And then I will finally have achieved my dream of using the expression "your face" in a book title. And that truly is something I've been dreaming of since I was a little girl.

Me, pretending to be a wedding website

"If you're like most women, you've probably been dreaming of the day you would obtain a melee weapon that does more than 200dps since you were a little girl."