Wednesday, February 25, 2009


It seems the deal on the house we (sort of) bought might fall through due to the dreaded foundation cracks. I've realized that the past few weeks have actually had a fundamental effect on my outlook, in the sense that I don't really believe in nice things anymore. That sounds terrible, but I booked our third-choice wedding venue yesterday (after the first two canceled on us) and realized that I don't even actually expect to have my wedding there. I just assumed it wouldn't work out, even though she put my name in her computer system. The other people have put my name in their computer systems, or the paper equivalent of their computer systems, and it has made no apparent difference. And I bought more cardstock, to re-print the 65 invitations I already pritned (by hand, with a stamp) but without any sense that I would actually be making more invitations. And the house thing is the same. Reading the home inspector's report I felt the familiar sinking feeling in my stomach, but also a kind of apathy that must result from lowered expectations.

Although, to avoid thinking about my foundation (or lack thereof), I've been looking for rescue dogs on the Internet. Maybe instead of getting married and buying a house, I'll just get a dog, and the dog can come and live in my condo, and I can keep dating my man friend from across the river, and that would be fine. Because I'm tired of this thick, discouraged feeling that is radiating out from somewhere behind my sternum. I never sleep, I never swim, my head hurts all the time, and there is eventually going to come a point when I am just going to flip out at whatever realtor or structural engineer or facilities booker happens to be standing nearby.

1 comment:

Tederick said...

This is all very discouraging, and I feel for you, but I would be remiss if I did not also point out that this is an amazing piece of writing.