I'm sorry I keep neglecting you, Internet. (Hey, I just thought of something. If you had some Internet that was really boring and didn't do anything, like this blog in fact, you could call it 'Inertnet'! Heh heh.) I started a new job last week and I am in that preliminary shock phase, where most of the time my brain is saying one of three things: (a) it's so earrrrrly and i'm so tirrrred (b) what happened to all my free time? (c) so I get to buy things from etsy now because I have money again for the first time in years? So yep, it has its downsides and upsides. Also my moms was staying with me this weekend and we were absorbed with eating in restaurants, shopping, going to bleak Canadian movies, and the like. Anyway, that's my excuse. What's yours?

Nerrr-dy alert

From Slate: a little essay (photo-essay?) about the ubiquitous font Helvetica. (Ironically, it seems that the font used for the essay itself is Verdana.) Now the subject, also, of a tell-all book (persumably from the series 12PT: Behind the Typeface) and a documentary film.

I don't want to judge said film and book without having seen/read them, but does it ever seem to anyone else that our society is becoming really fragmented in its attentions? I mean, people used to write these books that would be like, "a brief Euro-centric history of civilization, some amusing racist limericks, three recipes for tripe, a hand-drawn map of Asia, a mathematical proof, and some parenting advice" (these books were referred to, in brief, as "Almanacs") whereas now you can read a 600-page book that is, like, a detailed history of the paperclip or an incisive commentary on vinyl. I'm not saying this is bad necessarily; it's just interesting.

I do live chat reference now for a couple different places (one as part of my job, the other as a volunteer) so if you post a question to any Alberta chat reference service I would say there is about a 60% chance it is being answered by me. In case it isn't being answered by me though, don't post facetious questions about Joss Whedon or attempts to prepare butter chicken in the home (tip: it never works. Go to an Indian restaurant.)

Ghah, I'm so sleepy today. I can only conclude that work makes me exhausted, and I am not cut out for it. I want a trust fund, NOW!

Whenever I am out and about on a weekday, during the day, I always ponder: WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT WORKING? I know why I'm not, but why aren't they? It turns out some preliminary "research" has been done into this subject. The San Francisco Gate has an article entitled The mystery of the daytime idle: Why aren't you working? This has also been the subject of a This American Life episode, Secret Life of Daytime. The findings, roughly summarized: most of these people are "writing" something. Sort of like me, except in coffee houses instead of a little half-cubicle at the end of a hallway. (I stole all those links from kottke.org.)

My other recent internet find is this Wikipedia article on the Voynich Manuscript, which is fascinating. Things like this make my almost-librarian heart go pitter patter.

Post-Riposte

PS. In an earlier entry today, I said "boringest" and "sorrily" in one sentence. And I'm not fixing it. Lexical nazis be damned!

Riposte

Dear Matt,

It's nice to meet you. Or as we used to say in Spanish 100, el gusto es mio. I am glad we have grown (bizarrely organically) to be blog-buddies. I like knowing that every obsessive Joss-Whedon-obsessed post I write will find at least one appreciative reader. Thanks for humouring me by dressing like your South Park version. Thanks for the Lost and Harry Potter updates--I just ziplisted the first season of Lost, mainly so I would know what you were talking about (no cable!). Thanks for making me your special case/fellow supervillain (I like this metaphor by the way. Rather than the Riddler, though, if possible I would like to put in a request for Catwoman). Together we shall rule Metaphor Gotham City.

Yours in green and pink,
Jocelyn

I used to own this extreme freeware version of Tetris for my 386. This was in the era when everything on a computer screen was presented in huge blocks of varying shades of grey. The game had a built-in "playing at work" hotkey that would pause the game and display this separate screen--a bar graph with the names of cities at the bottom. And it looked hilariously low-budg, like the game itself. I always wondered who this was supposed to benefit--is there really someone out there who legitimately looks at bar graphs like that at work? Especially bar graphs that are CLEARLY from the 80s?

Well, now I wish I kind of had such a bar graph myself. Except the bar graph would be labelled: "Monographs" "audio/visual" "Serials" "Grey literature." I would look at it intently, but in my mind, I would be playing Tetris.

"Also, I can kill you with my brain."

Last night I watched "Space," which I sorrily have to declare the boringest X-Files episode ever. That said, I always forget how much I like that show. I started watching it around season 3 and was committed to it for years--until it seemed to become overwhelmed by the weight of its own conspiracies. My favourite is Scully, of course: she wears normal (even dowdy) clothes, which I relate to more and more as I hold a series of increasingly serious jobs; and she is all cerebral and rational and competent. Also, she is tiny, but she sometimes shoots people or wrestles them to the floor. I also like the understated Mulder/Scully dynamic of mutual respect, trust, and affection that does not really seem to be tempered with misguided crushes or drama or lust.

Does Mulder ever shoot people? I have noticed that on Law and Order: Criminal Intent (which I don't watch anymore) only Eames ever shoots people. Perhaps Vincent D'Onofrio is actually so cerebral he can't operate firearms.

I am at my new job, wearing wrinkly pants and drinking tea I made myself in the little job-kitchen. I feel sort of lost. It reminds me of this exploding dog cartoon in which a sad little stick-person is all alone in an empty room, and slips of paper keep floating in through slits in the walls. The caption reads, "I don't understand my job." I have a desk, and a stapler, but no purpose.

I love del.icio.us and especially the way it recommends tags for me when I bookmark new things. It is ALMOST ALWAYS RIGHT! Except, today I have been bookmarking things for work, and the tag I use for my new job is "digitalaccess," and del.icio.us cannot figure this out. Every time, I am like, "DUH! I'm at work! What tag do you THINK I should be using?"

All I want is a system that keeps track of my whereabouts and what task I am working on, and recommends tags based on that--without invading my privacy. Is that too much to ask, Internet?

So miscellaneous.

(a) Nifty: map of online communities. You can barely get across the world without having to at least wander into MySpace. Take lots of fresh water and granola bars.

(b) I am also digging the Stars (sort of) album Do You Trust Your Friends? which is remixes and covers of Set Yourself on Fire by other bands (the dears! metric! apostle of hustle! the stills!). If this sounds like a dumb premise for an album, I'm with you, but you have to get past it. MOVE on.

(c) A memo^*
To: Various extremely right-wing Christian groups with access to the Internet
From: Jocelyn
Re: Book banning/pulpit shouting activities

I don't know why you guys are even wasting your time on Harry Potter which, for all its witchcraft and perceived disobedience of authority figures, is firmly rooted in Judeo-Christian literary imagery and trope. May I suggest you adjust your sights onto Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy? The only reason I can think of that this has not already happened is that you are not as well-read as you maybe could be. Well, I am here, with an English degree and most of an MLIS, to help. (And mock, really. To help and mock.) GET WITH THE PROGRAM. How do you expect to have a serious negative impact on North Americans' intellectual freedom if you are going to waste your time with bestsellers you clearly haven't understood in the first place, and completely ignore books that could potentially be CAUSING CHILDREN EVERYWHERE TO TRY TO DECLARE WAR ON GOD AND ORGANIZED RELIGION?

Love,
Jocelyn

* disclaimer: if you can't tell that I am being sarcastic, then you are a moron

2 notes that happen to relate to children's books

From Something Awful: pretty much the worst children's book ever written. Latawnya, The Naughty Horse, Learns to Say "No" to Drugs.

On the 17th, Lloyd Alexander passed away from cancer. I don't usually use the phrase "passed away," so this conveys how much I venerate this man. He created Vesper Holly, after all.

the website boingboing got to name an airplane, thanks to Virgin America CEO Richard Branson. Now, Unicorn Chaser is set to hit the skies. (The first Virgin America plane, Jefferson Airplane, was named by... you guessed it... Grace Slick.) See nameourplanes.com

This of course reminds me of the Simpsons where Mr. Burns decided to become a popular business owner like Richard Branson, leading to a semi-spontaneous conga line led my Mr. Smithers: "Conga conga conga! We love Monty Burns more! Conga like you mean it! Please don't make me shock you!"

adventures* in furniture delivery

I just got a new futon and they delivered it today. The delivery guys called me because they couldn't find my apartment building. To be fair to them, they had been given the wrong address, 1 street over. Still, I think this conversation is pretty hilarious:

Delivery guy: We're by the Starbucks, do you know where the Starbucks is?
Jocelyn: Yes, my building is one block east of there.
Delivery guy: East? [confused pause] What colour is your building?

Dear delivery guy: if you don't know what direction east is, maybe you should consider a different line of work.

So the futon was delivered to my apartment in two wood framey pieces and 1 big rolled-up mattress. So far, so good. I looked at these components and fit them together the way they needed to be fit together, where they will be held together some day with two huge bolts. And, with great difficulty and sore hands and tiny metal shards on the carpet, I managed to get one of the giant bolts in. But the other is eluding me. I HATE this moment. I have used my brain to figure out how furniture should go together, I have the appropriate tools, I have an above-average level of physical strength because I am a giant, and I still can't get the blasted thing to go together. And my tempting, automatic response is to sit down on the floor and cry. Futons should not be allowed to make me feel like a girly girl. With willingness, resolve, and the high-quality plyers my father gave me when I moved into my first apartment, I should be able to assemble anything. Instead I have to call my boyfriend like a sissy and say these words: "Can you come over and help me put my futon together?"

Grrrr. I try to be independent women, but the world is screwing with me. People who know me know this: I lift furniture and other heavy objects, I assemble IKEA furniture, I hang my own pictures and shelves, I sand my old furniture before I re-paint it. I'm handy with a utility knife. I took my freakin' drain apart, remember that? I lifted a car once.^* I'm not that girl. Except, apparently, today. My futon is all like, "Get back in the kitchen, woman!" Maybe when James gets here, and assembles these mammoth pieces of pine in one smooth manly action, I can bring him a cocktail and rub his neck.

*fiascoes
**Actually, this event is mythology founded in truth. I helped two guys lift a car, and before I started helping they could not lift it on their own. Also, it was dusk, so the task may have seemed more impressive because of a trick of the light. It would be more true, though less impressive, to say that "I played a crucial role in lifting a car once."

I have long been a fan of threadless (in fact I am wearing a threadless shirt AT THIS VERY MOMENT!), but I had never heard of uneetee, which operates on a similar premise, that is, capitalism. I want to order shirts now.

Dispatches from my internet travels

i. A surreal conversation between two chatbots.

Jabberwocky: Would you like to hear a joke?
Alice: Sure, tell me about it.
J: Why don’t blind people skydive?
A: Perhaps it is impossible.
J: I think you lie a lot.

ii. An interesting response to Oprah's involvement with the self-help craze The Secret. (See previous post: Oprah's ugly secret.) "we are individually, institutionally, and societally hellbent on wishful thinking. The Secret tells us to visualize best-case scenarios and banish negative ones from our minds. Never Saw It Coming says that's what we've been doing all along—and we get blindsided by even the most foreseeable disasters because of it." Fighting self-help with science!

iii. Flatland: In this "semi-extreme performance" (?), some people lived in this bizarre plastic ant-farm house for almost three weeks. "That's crazy." "No, that's art." They even wore jumpsuits, which, as we all know, is the ultimate in team-building. (Unfortunately, their website is a usability nightmare. Memo to artists: no matter how brilliant you are, your readers still have to be able to navigate.) I've always been a fan of small, enclosed spaces, so to me this seems kind of fun. Although you could just get an RV.

iv. A photo essay: things I did while waiting on hold for Sprint customer care. Thanks to the miracle of mobile technology, we can be so efficient while we are on hold.

v. haiku:
loser with no job
i'm even tired of warcraft
bored during the day

Another wacky fishtank, this one integrating some bird wackiness. Don't ask me why I keep finding these--I don't look for them. The Internet brings them to me. This one is from a Belgian art gallery, although I can't find how to get to it from the main site.

You gotta figure the birds are really weirded out. I mean, fish are not smart enough to be weirded out, but the birds are like, "whoaaaaa."

Previous post: 09/04/07

Illinois baby approved for a gun license. Let freedom reign.

The Slow Roll: dedicated to reviewing terrible movies. Not just the old standby movies that everyone knows are terrible and most people haven't even seen, like Glitter. Undiagnosed terrible movies, like Elizabethtown. "What the Slow Roll seeks to expose are films whose badness is built into each and every frame. Each edit heralding fresh incompetence, every line a woeful misfire conceived in stupidity. The resulting catastrophe drives you to question the medium, the industry, and the state of your own soul. Yes, a movie can be that bad." I don't know about you, but I'm inspired.

I can't think of titles anymore, for anything.

sleepless in penzance: this guy is trying to break the world record by staying awake for 11 days. Yikes. I can barely stay awake for 17 hours. We better leave this to the experts.

cool metafilter thread: Things found written upon books. Especially worth checking out are the Book Inscriptions Project and Dedicated to the One I Love. I love the amount of effort metafilter people put into their posts. That is because metafilter people are hardcore. Or crazy.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I am seriously considering making up some of those nerdy job interview question flash cards. Q: What do you see as the value of belonging to professional organizations? A: I get lots of mail from them, which makes me feel like less of a loser. Also, the Canadian Library Association gave me a free coaster when I joined.

"Product" watch (that is "product" in the way that hair-salon people use the word)

I bought some herbal essences shimmery nights "shimmery spray gel," because I cannot resist glittery things that cost less than $10. However, the package claims that this hair product contains "a fusion of diamond dust and champagne." I am HIGHLY suspicious of this advertising claim. Other "fusions" (by which they may mean "infusions") that could spice up hair products and make for glamorous-sounding packaging:

• yellow stars, blue diamonds, green clovers, and pink hearts
• ground-up shark fin
• money
• artificially inseminated human ova
• O- blood
• shredded stocks and bonds
• strawberries
• Ben & Jerry's ice cream
• essence of dolphin
• actual swarovski crystals
• cognac
• vanilla essential oil

I table the motion.

Here is my weekend project: a new table for my living room. On Friday night I spotted it next to (not in) a dumpster in the back alley of my building, and I made James pull over. In fact I was kind of violent about it. I am literally astonished that someone would throw away such a good table. It is extremely sturdy, shapely, and cool. The picture on the left shows the "before"; the right, of course, is "after." I painted it red, decoupaged a vintage ad onto the top, and covered it with my junk.

I am basically turning into my dad, and doing all the things that he used to do (to my SHAME) when I was younger. I have integrated his brand of crazy with my own, though, because not only did I get this table from a dumpster, I then used it to display a bright orange cooking pot that I bought from a thrift store. I have a problem. A cheapness problem. (on a side note... I filed my taxes finally on the weekend, and I lived well below the poverty line last year. So there may be a correlation between dumpster-tables and student loans. But then, I will probably never be able to just drive by a table that clearly is in need of a new home and some sprucing-up. So maybe all this means is that when I finally do have some money, I'll be too cheap to spend it on anything.)

I shall also make this post an honourary "things you can buy for..." post since it is, in fact, a THING YOU CAN BUY FOR $0. Which is actually my favouritest kind of thing you can buy of all. (I had the supplies, paint etc., on hand. I got some free sandpaper from my sister. Project costs may vary.)