If these walls could talk: at the pitch meeting for Bandidas

Producer #1: So, we are thinking of a western... with chicks... in Mexico. It will have an amusing emoting horse, lots of heaving bosoms, Dwight Yoakam, and a train heist. But it will also be about economic exploitation, modernity, and the deep-seated evil that is American imperialism.

Producer #2: And there will be bosoms.

Producer #1: I said that.

Producer #2: Yeah, but it got kind of buried. I want to make sure we are clear about the bosoms.

Salma Hayek: Well, I was nominated for an Oscar, and I'm concerned about my status in Hollywood. I don't want people to start taking me too seriously. I mean, I'm not all Frida and Traffic! I have a fun side!

Penelope Cruz: Yes, I have also been nominated for an Oscar. And ever since Vanilla Sky I have been trying to convince American audiences that I am not boring. I made Sahara, but it didn't seem to help. I think because I played a doctor in that movie. Everyone knows doctors are boring, even sexy doctors.

Salma: The movie I got nominated for an Oscar for was better than the movie you got nominated for an Oscar for. Please, Volver? No one saw that. Almodo-who?

Penelope: Your unibrow got nominated for YOUR Oscar, not you.

Producer #1: Ladies, ladies, take it easy, now! I love this banter! We should integrate it into the movie! The characters you play can NOT GET ALONG at first, but then learn to respect each other! I love it! Don't change the dynamic!

Producer #2: Exactly. Everybody gets nominated for an Oscar, it's all good. That is the calibre of boobs-- I mean acting-- we need for this project.

Penelope Cruz: Tell me more about this project. What, would you say, are the chances that I could wear a crazy lace-up leather corset, chaps, a peasant blouse, tooled leather cuffs, a badass cowboy hat, and pointy boots?

Salma Hayek: And would this movie involve us doing any push-ups--IN A STREAM? Because personally, I like to be as wet as possible when I train. And preferably, can we get someone grizzled and respectable to play our mentor, like a Clint Eastwood type?

Producer #1: Sam Shephard is more in our price range.

Penelope: And can someone, at some point, shout Vive la revolucion?

Producer #1: I love it! Keep the ideas coming! We won't even have to pay script-writers, we can just storyboard my notes from this meeting.

Steve Zahn: I'm at this meeting too! I can be funny! I'll fall over all the time!

Producer #1: We can make this work. Although it may go straight to video. Mexican video.

Producer #2: BOOBIES!