Dear Crazy Upstairs Screaming Guy,

You don't know me, but I feel like I know you all too well. Your voice is often the first thing I hear when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I hear before I fall asleep--although not in a romantic way. What's your problem, Screaming Guy? It's not that I don't understand the impulse. I think we all feel like screaming, sometimes. The world can be an intense, frustrating, bleak place. I guess the difference between you and the rest of us, though, is that we went through that all-important childhood phase when you realize that your actions have an impact on other people, and that if you concentrate real hard, you can actually IMAGINE HOW THEY MUST FEEL. This is called empathy, Screaming Guy. And if I could give it to you in a bottle, or for that matter in a huge hypodermic needle--or in the spikes on a large, iron mace!--I would.

I used to think you were a real psycho. In fact, the first time I heard your screaming, I was so afraid you were going to kill someone that I called the police. But since then, I've begun to suspect that (a) you are not actually screaming AT anyone, and thus, are not an immediate danger; and that (b) given the frequency of your screaming, it is probably brought on by things the rest of us take in stride. As such, I don't even respect your angst any more. Run out of milk, Screaming Guy? Go to Mac's! Miss your favourite TV show? It'll be on next week! Forget to go to the bank before it closes? Don't worry, there's an ATM! See what I'm doing here, Screaming Guy? I'm taking things that can be frustrating, that can induce the feeling you want to scream, and dealing with them in a constructive way, by suggesting SOLUTIONS AND WORK-AROUNDS to problems. This is a skill you could afford to develop, Screaming Guy. Maybe then your neighbours wouldn't all think you are a sociopath, and report you to the condo building manager/police, or contemplate putting up passive-aggressive signs in your hallway. (Mine would say: "Dear Screaming Guy: Do you realize that EVERYONE ON ALL SIDES CAN HEAR YOU? Shut up, seriously.")

It's not too late, Screaming Guy. Just think, if you stopped screaming, what you could accomplish! You could make friends, or get a job, or sleep through the night! Hell, I could sleep through the night, too! Wouldn't that be nice? Plus, I bet anyone who spends at least an hour a week screaming, "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!" at the tops of his lungs can't be that happy. So it might have a positive effect on you too.

You should think on it, or scream on it, or whatever.

-Jocelyn