Unemployment tips

I think I am getting eerily, eerily good at filling up my endless, empty days. This is bad because it means I am becoming addicted to the unemployed bum lifestyle and may have trouble adjusting when I (eventually) return to normal productive society. With that in mind, here are some tips for feeling busy even though you are accomplishing nothing:

1. Leave your apartment every day. Going to the pool in the basement counts. If you don't have a car (as I don't), use this as an excuse to walk everywhere. This takes longer and it's free. You would be surprised at where you can walk to, with a little patience and appropriate shoes.
2. Buy groceries in small quantities, so you have to go back to the grocery store three days later. Don't worry about saving time while running errands. This week I went to the Superstore in Clareview just because it's cheaper than the Save on Foods in my neighbourhood. Remember, your time is worth nothing. Pretend your time is German money and it's the Great Depression. (Get it? Inflation?)
2a. Learn obscure Social Studies-type facts and insert them into normal conversation.
3. Bake and cook a lot. Invite people over! Take off your sweatpants when they buzz your apartment, and put on real clothes. Stop being so pathetic.
4. Sleep late, and then stay up late. It's easier to find people to do things with in the evening than during the day, and the day (as a unit of time) is far less depressing if it starts at 11 instead of at 8. Bonus: if you sleep late, there is seldom a need for breakfast.
5. Clean up, all the time. Conversely, don't feel bad about making a mess. You can always clean up tomorrow. Cleaning tasks that would normally happen every other week can be done weekly. Things normally done weekly can be done every other day. Also, you now have time to hand-wash things that should be hand-washed, to iron, and to wash delicates separately. Don't shirk--you have no excuse.
6. Facebook is your friend, as are Facebook apps like Scrabulous, that require monitoring multiple times a day. Have a blog? Excellent! Make some pointless lists!
7. Go stay with other people in other cities. This has a double benefit: it takes up time, PLUS they will probably feed you while you are there, thus saving money. This is how the landed gentry SURVIVED in the time of Jane Austen. Look it up.
8. Drink lots of water. It's good for you, it's free (well, OK, incalculably cheap), and you'll have to pee all the time (which takes up time).
9. Take baths instead of showers. Do things in the bathtub, like read or watch TV or eat M&Ms. In addition to taking up lots of time, this is dramatic and cool, because Margot Tenenbaum does it.
10. Take on a seemingly insurmountable project, such as reading the Bible or the Qur'an cover to cover, knitting a hammock, learning another language, or watching whole series of The X-Files. That way if people question your priorities, you can tell them about your project. (Implication: Sure, you may have a job, but have you watched THE WHOLE X-FILES from beginning to end? Do you speak Japanese? Exactly.)
11. Home improvement projects--you must have some. Is there a wall you could paint? Some cupboards that need new handles? Is your toilet broken? If you don't know how to do these things yourself, the Internet knows. You can't afford to hire someone else to fix it for you, so you better cowboy up.
12. Meet employed friends for lunch at their places of work. Traveling there, going for lunch, and traveling home takes up a lot of time. If possible, dress up a bit--it hides the sloth and patheticness inside and gives the illusion of control. I am doing this today, and I am wearing my new hoodie.
13. If you're crafty, like me, it's never too early to start thinking about Christmas presents.
14. Warcraft, Warcraft, Warcraft.

I should seriously write a book, except I'm kind of busy.

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Currently listening to: Rilo Kiley - 15
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